7.30.2009

BABY AND DADDY LIKE TO WRITE FAKE EMAILS TO EACH OTHER PRETENDING TO BE MIDDLE-AGED MOMS...ENJOY

LETTER #1
Sandy,
I hope this email finds you well. Since being released from treatment 4 months ago, I have decided to update everyone I had lost touch with.
I hit rock bottom, Sandy. I never told you this, Sandy, but even when were were young, I was secretly stealing prescription drugs from you, and others, with little to no regard for the pain and hurt (not to mention financial strain to replace those medications) that i was causing those around me.
Burt left me two years ago for another woman. Her name is Gloria and apparently she's a redhead (burt was always crazy for redheads). Unfortunately I didn't get custody because of my addiction and now it's been 2 years since i've seen my children. They are now living with Burt and Gloria in upstate New York.
I've been clean for a little over 5 months now, but I hope that sometime soon us girlfriends can get together for a (non-alcoholic) drink sometime! I'll take an arnold palmer! Anyway Sandy, I just wanted to say hi, check in, and tell you a little about my last few years.
I hope all is well in Billings. I heard you and Greg moved there when he got a job with the national parks. I have to be honest, i've been wondering how you've been doing with that shoe addiction now that you're in the middle of nowhere!
Bubbles (remember my cat bubbles?). Anyway she says hi. She says she misses you.
Your sister in Christ,
Marie

LETTER #2
Dear Marie,
It's so good to hear that you've finally come to terms with the addictions and other behaviors that have ruled your life for many years. Frankly, we've all been wondering how long it would take for you to acknowledge these problems and begin to work on them. Kudos to your bravery.
Now that you have been so honest with me, I feel like it is only right to return the favor, and admit something to you that has been haunting me for many years.
Do you remember that trip that you, Burt, Greg, and I took to the Smoky Mountians in 1994? Well, when you decided to go to bed early and left Burt and I in the above ground pool alone, we succumbed to our baser instincts and became intimate. I, and he, regretted it instantly and it (almost) never happened again. There was one time, when we were both picking up the kids from karate practice in Lincolnwood that we did kiss in the parking lot of the Wendy's next door. But that meant nothing and I fear that both of these instances were initiated by me, as I was at the time feeling very unsatisfied with my life, in particular my personal relationship with my husband, which was not as everyone believes it to be.
Marie, Greg is a homosexual. He will not admit it, to himself, or to others, but I very distinctly and concretely know. Also, I believe that he may sometimes try on and wear my clothing. On many occasions I have returned home to find my closet arranged in a way foreign to the way I had left it, and I know that neither Sammy or Ron has any interest in going in there. I've decided to stay in the marriage for the sake of my beautiful boys, and because I am lucky to have my hobbies to keep me busy-- the needlepointing and taxidermy ar eall I have that keep me sane.
Oh Marie, I don't reveal Greg's private disappointments in order to excuse my own poor behavior. I was such a coward all these years, not coming clean and telling you about the 1.5 nights of foolishness. I hope you will be able to forgive me, if not soon, then someday.
Your repentant friend,
Sandy
LETTER #3
Dear Marie,
I respect your decision not to respond, as I know that my actions were unforgiveable. However, please know that if you ever wish to contact me again, my arms will always be open and willing to reconcile. Or even if you are never able to come to terms with my betrayal, I will always be here if you need someone to talk to or a place to stay. Our house feels so big now that Ron is heading off to school soon.
Oh and also, what I said about Greg in my previous email-- I don't know what I was thinking. Greg and I are very happy and I shouldn't be questioning his actions. He's always been a truthful and loving man, so please disregard my foolishness. I just hope the Lord can forgive me and all of my sins. I don't know what's going on in my mind lately-- maybe its just the menopause? Ha!
Connie and Walt just moved into a new condominium complex in Ft. Lauderdale-- maybe they have the right idea!
Your loving friend, if you'll have me,
Sandy
LETTER #4
Sandy,
I'm deeply sorry for the delayed response. To be honest Sandy, that first email was a tough pill to swallow, especially at a time when i have little to no strength left. I have been in bed unable to eat or sleep since I received your confession on tuesday night. You caught me at in a vulnerable state Sandy, and my lack of response was not meant to be revenge, but rather a period of time-- a step in the healing process i knew was only necessary for myself.
Sandy, there was always a small part of me that knew something happened on the smoky mountain trip. Now that i know the truth... well, it makes my heart weep, as i know i should be to blame for his wondering eye. Burt and I had started to become extremely irritated with one another in the month leading up to our vacation, and I know much of it had to do with the weight not coming off after my pregnancy with the twins. Burt had shared with me numerous times that he simply wasn't attracted to overweight women... and while it had been two years since Kalista and Royce were born, the 60+ pounds I had gained in that 9 months seemed to be sticking around for good. Much of it was due to the fact that i was battling with postpartum depression, abusing prescriptions drugs, and turning to food as not only a comfort, but a best friend in those dark times.
It was in that month before our trip in 1994, that Burt confessed he was no longer attracted to me. At a time when i thought things couldn't get any worse, i was forced to put a smile on my face for the rest of the summer. I hid behind that smile, pretending to be the healthy, emotionally fulfilled housewife, my friends and church family expected of me. Those few nights in the cabin were very difficult for me, as a repeatedly saw burt looking at you. I remember that royal blue and teal one-piece you wore frequently throughout the week. Not just in the lake Sandy, but around the cabin and sometimes even into town (for which you would put on shorts... but even those shorts were very suggestive Sandy). I don't blame Burt for being tempted (I too, have envied you figure since we were in college... I guess some of us are luckier than others right? you know, the old saying) but i do find it difficult to understand why you were attracted to a man like Burt when you had Greg? Greg was always so thin and neat. Not to mention he kept himself in excellent shape. But now that you have shared with me about the lifestyle he has been secretly living, i can understand his obsession with vanity. From what I've heard, homosexuals are very concerned with their appearance even while living in empty heterosexual relationships.
After talking with my counselor, and sharing my story with my church pastor here at First Lutheran, I have decided to forgive you and ask for your forgiveness as well, as I have been negative and caused you hurt in the past. After all, Burt is no longer in my life and i am fighting for visitation rights so i can see Kalista and Royce over the holidays. I guess what I'm trying to say Sandy, is in a time when we are both so lonesome, shouldn't we be able to put the issues from the past behind us and be there for one another once again? like we were when we were best girlfriends back at Penn State.
I'd really like to move on and I hope you are willing to move on with me. Maybe we can take a short weekend together and catch up? Maybe you could ask Connie and Wait if they have a guest room in that new condo of theirs!
Please let me know your thoughts,
Marie Q. Randsholdenbacher
LETTER #5
Dearest Marie,
Thank you thank you thank you for finding the compassion in your heart to understand and forgive my reprehensible actions. You truly are full of god's blessings lately! I'm so grateful for your compassionate spirit-- what a beautiful heart you have, and always have had, and I hope that never changes.
And of course, I hope it goes without saying, any hurt or pain you may have caused me is so permanently in the past--- forgiven and forgotten, as they say. We've all had our crosses to bear, and I think it is time we put them down and walk toward the future. Our future.
How could I harbor any ill will toward one of my oldest companions? I'll always remember the first time I saw you on campus at Penn, with that unruly red short curly hair, those fabulous cullotes (you always were right on top of the latest trends!) and clogs. From that moment on I admired your boldness and brash attitude, while I have always thought of myself as a wallflower, observing from the edges. Sometimes, I'll admit, I wanted some of the limelight for myself, but i never thought I deserved it. You were so wild and free, but I guess sometimes you got a little too close to the fire, and maybe if we had been more honest then, we might have been able to prevent some of your current troubles. I will always regret holding my tongue, in particular that night when you ended up at UPenn Hospital, after Scottie Pierson's party in the dells. That should have been a wake up call to us all, but we were too young and blind to see.
And of course, I was always happy just to be by your side-- the four of us really were a kooky group, weren't we? You, me, Connie, and Wendy! What a wild foursome-- those were the days, huh? When all the boys were chasing us and all the other girls were jealous and we had the pick of the litter!
But beauty fades, and now what is left of us? Sometimes I feel as though my whole life has already been lived, husband, children grown, and sometimes Marie, I have to admit, I even doubt that the lord is listening. Like crops that have been planted, harvested, and then fallen fallow, my life feels all dried up.
Oh dear, I fear I'm getting all dramatic. Really, things are great! Greg has a new business venture on the side, I'm not sure I understand it, but his business partner, Jason, is very nice, and I have to admit, I envy the long nights Greg and Jason spend at the office, dedicated to their work. Sometimes Greg even has to go in on the weekends! Last weekend he had to leave the amish quilt show we were enjoying early to tend to a business emergency of some kind or another with Jason. I'm just hoping this new venture brings in enough extra income to build that gazebo i've been dreaming of for years!
Are you dating anyone? Perhaps you've met other singles through your church group, or through those online dating sites on the web? My neighbor, Tina, had great luck with one such service and is now very happily engaged to an Alaskan man named Chad. They're even planning on buying and living in a houseboat! I guess you never can know where life will take you!
The days of the teal bathing suit are gone, I fear, as things begin to sag and bag. That Lifestyle Lift commercial is pretty tempting! But you know how the church feels about cosmetic surgery... but lately Greg has been helping me apply more modern makeup and style my hair in different ways. What a versatile husband I have! Despite that, it doesn't seem to help out in the bedroom too much. Let's just say, I get a lot of reading done!
Well, it's almost time for my nature writing class. Guess I should wrap this up. A weekend getaway sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Have you heard from Wendy at all recently? Last I knew, she was living in Tampa with an older gentleman, as his "caretaker," pssh! Oh dear, there I go again, being unkind. Lord help me, Marie!
Humbly,
Sandy

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS SANDY AND WHICH ONE IS MARIE?

2 comments:

Sarah Butler said...

this is quite possibly the funniest thing i've ever read.

you guys are NUTS and i love it.

Lexi said...

luke=sandy