7.30.2009

BABY AND DADDY LIKE TO WRITE FAKE EMAILS TO EACH OTHER PRETENDING TO BE MIDDLE-AGED MOMS...ENJOY

LETTER #1
Sandy,
I hope this email finds you well. Since being released from treatment 4 months ago, I have decided to update everyone I had lost touch with.
I hit rock bottom, Sandy. I never told you this, Sandy, but even when were were young, I was secretly stealing prescription drugs from you, and others, with little to no regard for the pain and hurt (not to mention financial strain to replace those medications) that i was causing those around me.
Burt left me two years ago for another woman. Her name is Gloria and apparently she's a redhead (burt was always crazy for redheads). Unfortunately I didn't get custody because of my addiction and now it's been 2 years since i've seen my children. They are now living with Burt and Gloria in upstate New York.
I've been clean for a little over 5 months now, but I hope that sometime soon us girlfriends can get together for a (non-alcoholic) drink sometime! I'll take an arnold palmer! Anyway Sandy, I just wanted to say hi, check in, and tell you a little about my last few years.
I hope all is well in Billings. I heard you and Greg moved there when he got a job with the national parks. I have to be honest, i've been wondering how you've been doing with that shoe addiction now that you're in the middle of nowhere!
Bubbles (remember my cat bubbles?). Anyway she says hi. She says she misses you.
Your sister in Christ,
Marie

LETTER #2
Dear Marie,
It's so good to hear that you've finally come to terms with the addictions and other behaviors that have ruled your life for many years. Frankly, we've all been wondering how long it would take for you to acknowledge these problems and begin to work on them. Kudos to your bravery.
Now that you have been so honest with me, I feel like it is only right to return the favor, and admit something to you that has been haunting me for many years.
Do you remember that trip that you, Burt, Greg, and I took to the Smoky Mountians in 1994? Well, when you decided to go to bed early and left Burt and I in the above ground pool alone, we succumbed to our baser instincts and became intimate. I, and he, regretted it instantly and it (almost) never happened again. There was one time, when we were both picking up the kids from karate practice in Lincolnwood that we did kiss in the parking lot of the Wendy's next door. But that meant nothing and I fear that both of these instances were initiated by me, as I was at the time feeling very unsatisfied with my life, in particular my personal relationship with my husband, which was not as everyone believes it to be.
Marie, Greg is a homosexual. He will not admit it, to himself, or to others, but I very distinctly and concretely know. Also, I believe that he may sometimes try on and wear my clothing. On many occasions I have returned home to find my closet arranged in a way foreign to the way I had left it, and I know that neither Sammy or Ron has any interest in going in there. I've decided to stay in the marriage for the sake of my beautiful boys, and because I am lucky to have my hobbies to keep me busy-- the needlepointing and taxidermy ar eall I have that keep me sane.
Oh Marie, I don't reveal Greg's private disappointments in order to excuse my own poor behavior. I was such a coward all these years, not coming clean and telling you about the 1.5 nights of foolishness. I hope you will be able to forgive me, if not soon, then someday.
Your repentant friend,
Sandy
LETTER #3
Dear Marie,
I respect your decision not to respond, as I know that my actions were unforgiveable. However, please know that if you ever wish to contact me again, my arms will always be open and willing to reconcile. Or even if you are never able to come to terms with my betrayal, I will always be here if you need someone to talk to or a place to stay. Our house feels so big now that Ron is heading off to school soon.
Oh and also, what I said about Greg in my previous email-- I don't know what I was thinking. Greg and I are very happy and I shouldn't be questioning his actions. He's always been a truthful and loving man, so please disregard my foolishness. I just hope the Lord can forgive me and all of my sins. I don't know what's going on in my mind lately-- maybe its just the menopause? Ha!
Connie and Walt just moved into a new condominium complex in Ft. Lauderdale-- maybe they have the right idea!
Your loving friend, if you'll have me,
Sandy
LETTER #4
Sandy,
I'm deeply sorry for the delayed response. To be honest Sandy, that first email was a tough pill to swallow, especially at a time when i have little to no strength left. I have been in bed unable to eat or sleep since I received your confession on tuesday night. You caught me at in a vulnerable state Sandy, and my lack of response was not meant to be revenge, but rather a period of time-- a step in the healing process i knew was only necessary for myself.
Sandy, there was always a small part of me that knew something happened on the smoky mountain trip. Now that i know the truth... well, it makes my heart weep, as i know i should be to blame for his wondering eye. Burt and I had started to become extremely irritated with one another in the month leading up to our vacation, and I know much of it had to do with the weight not coming off after my pregnancy with the twins. Burt had shared with me numerous times that he simply wasn't attracted to overweight women... and while it had been two years since Kalista and Royce were born, the 60+ pounds I had gained in that 9 months seemed to be sticking around for good. Much of it was due to the fact that i was battling with postpartum depression, abusing prescriptions drugs, and turning to food as not only a comfort, but a best friend in those dark times.
It was in that month before our trip in 1994, that Burt confessed he was no longer attracted to me. At a time when i thought things couldn't get any worse, i was forced to put a smile on my face for the rest of the summer. I hid behind that smile, pretending to be the healthy, emotionally fulfilled housewife, my friends and church family expected of me. Those few nights in the cabin were very difficult for me, as a repeatedly saw burt looking at you. I remember that royal blue and teal one-piece you wore frequently throughout the week. Not just in the lake Sandy, but around the cabin and sometimes even into town (for which you would put on shorts... but even those shorts were very suggestive Sandy). I don't blame Burt for being tempted (I too, have envied you figure since we were in college... I guess some of us are luckier than others right? you know, the old saying) but i do find it difficult to understand why you were attracted to a man like Burt when you had Greg? Greg was always so thin and neat. Not to mention he kept himself in excellent shape. But now that you have shared with me about the lifestyle he has been secretly living, i can understand his obsession with vanity. From what I've heard, homosexuals are very concerned with their appearance even while living in empty heterosexual relationships.
After talking with my counselor, and sharing my story with my church pastor here at First Lutheran, I have decided to forgive you and ask for your forgiveness as well, as I have been negative and caused you hurt in the past. After all, Burt is no longer in my life and i am fighting for visitation rights so i can see Kalista and Royce over the holidays. I guess what I'm trying to say Sandy, is in a time when we are both so lonesome, shouldn't we be able to put the issues from the past behind us and be there for one another once again? like we were when we were best girlfriends back at Penn State.
I'd really like to move on and I hope you are willing to move on with me. Maybe we can take a short weekend together and catch up? Maybe you could ask Connie and Wait if they have a guest room in that new condo of theirs!
Please let me know your thoughts,
Marie Q. Randsholdenbacher
LETTER #5
Dearest Marie,
Thank you thank you thank you for finding the compassion in your heart to understand and forgive my reprehensible actions. You truly are full of god's blessings lately! I'm so grateful for your compassionate spirit-- what a beautiful heart you have, and always have had, and I hope that never changes.
And of course, I hope it goes without saying, any hurt or pain you may have caused me is so permanently in the past--- forgiven and forgotten, as they say. We've all had our crosses to bear, and I think it is time we put them down and walk toward the future. Our future.
How could I harbor any ill will toward one of my oldest companions? I'll always remember the first time I saw you on campus at Penn, with that unruly red short curly hair, those fabulous cullotes (you always were right on top of the latest trends!) and clogs. From that moment on I admired your boldness and brash attitude, while I have always thought of myself as a wallflower, observing from the edges. Sometimes, I'll admit, I wanted some of the limelight for myself, but i never thought I deserved it. You were so wild and free, but I guess sometimes you got a little too close to the fire, and maybe if we had been more honest then, we might have been able to prevent some of your current troubles. I will always regret holding my tongue, in particular that night when you ended up at UPenn Hospital, after Scottie Pierson's party in the dells. That should have been a wake up call to us all, but we were too young and blind to see.
And of course, I was always happy just to be by your side-- the four of us really were a kooky group, weren't we? You, me, Connie, and Wendy! What a wild foursome-- those were the days, huh? When all the boys were chasing us and all the other girls were jealous and we had the pick of the litter!
But beauty fades, and now what is left of us? Sometimes I feel as though my whole life has already been lived, husband, children grown, and sometimes Marie, I have to admit, I even doubt that the lord is listening. Like crops that have been planted, harvested, and then fallen fallow, my life feels all dried up.
Oh dear, I fear I'm getting all dramatic. Really, things are great! Greg has a new business venture on the side, I'm not sure I understand it, but his business partner, Jason, is very nice, and I have to admit, I envy the long nights Greg and Jason spend at the office, dedicated to their work. Sometimes Greg even has to go in on the weekends! Last weekend he had to leave the amish quilt show we were enjoying early to tend to a business emergency of some kind or another with Jason. I'm just hoping this new venture brings in enough extra income to build that gazebo i've been dreaming of for years!
Are you dating anyone? Perhaps you've met other singles through your church group, or through those online dating sites on the web? My neighbor, Tina, had great luck with one such service and is now very happily engaged to an Alaskan man named Chad. They're even planning on buying and living in a houseboat! I guess you never can know where life will take you!
The days of the teal bathing suit are gone, I fear, as things begin to sag and bag. That Lifestyle Lift commercial is pretty tempting! But you know how the church feels about cosmetic surgery... but lately Greg has been helping me apply more modern makeup and style my hair in different ways. What a versatile husband I have! Despite that, it doesn't seem to help out in the bedroom too much. Let's just say, I get a lot of reading done!
Well, it's almost time for my nature writing class. Guess I should wrap this up. A weekend getaway sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Have you heard from Wendy at all recently? Last I knew, she was living in Tampa with an older gentleman, as his "caretaker," pssh! Oh dear, there I go again, being unkind. Lord help me, Marie!
Humbly,
Sandy

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS SANDY AND WHICH ONE IS MARIE?

7.29.2009

SEXI BODY PARTZ





















madonna's gunz. i don't know about you but i am TURNED ON.

STORE, CLUB


As a kid Baby really wanted to have her own Babysitter's Club. Disregarding the fact that she didn't like answering the phone, didn't have the business acumen of Kristy or the undying patience of Mary Ann, let alone a hot prepubescent boyfriend like Logan. She just liked the idea of being part of a successful CLUB.
(Full disclosure: I did have a Kid Kit, and I'm pretty sure it's still in a hall closet somewhere-- filled with straws and pipe-cleaners, prepared to make any kid's dreams come true... if their dreams were incredibly lame and fulfilled with simple, crappy craft materials.)
BUT MY POINT IS that Baby and Daddy might start a secret society when we start Store. You'd have to be cool enough to be invited. Are you that cool? Probably not.
PPS-- I also have a really specific memory of this cover... in which Kristy in holding some kid in her arms while the foxy lifeguard bandages the little girl's foot, which she has cut something lame like a sharp shell. Kristy has a major boner for this guy, who on this cover looks about 30, while she looks 12, right? Babysitter's Club was secretly racy!

CHLOË





















some pics from chloë's f/w 09 collection for opening ceremony. of course she's modeling the looks herself. jack of all trades that girl. more here.

RANTS AND RAVES















can i just say how much i HATE it when grown adults COVER THEIR EARS at loud noises? i take the train to work, and EVERYDAY without fail, the train approaches and there's a handful of middle-aged working professionals covering their ears and making wincing faces LIKE 6 YEAR OLDS. the rest of us stand there like NORMAL people because it's NOT LOUD AT ALL.

and the worst, i mean the WORST, is when we are exiting the train and people cover their ears. IT'S NOT EVEN MOVING OR MAKING ANY NOISE. GROW UP.

EVERYONE THINKS ITS COOL


If you don't have a bulletin board somewhere in your living space, we cannot be friends. I'm so not kidding-- get one. Your life will be better.
from theselby

DAVIDOFF'S


Make sure you say it with a thick slavic accent-- "dahvi-doff'z" (I think all that wording on the bottom translates to "you've earned it")

7.26.2009

LOVE HER EVEN MORE.



just kidding, she is officially BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MAN JEWELS





















this STRAIGHT swedish model is constantly on stockholm streetstyle and i think it's cool that he's able to wear such feminine accessories. again, swedes are awesome.

STORE





















creative director of ksubi, george gorrow, at the ksubi showroom. some kewl inspiration for store. more here.

UM YA YA, UM YA YA


I'd watch sports too if all my sport-enthusiast friends were sxxy Danes.

NOT GOOD IF YOU HAVE CANKLES (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)


I saw this really awesome chick in union square market pushing a baby stroller, walking her dog, and using her iphone, WHILE wearing a really fricking sick outfit including short boots like these. And for the purposes of that sentence, sick=awesome. Get with my lingo.

7.25.2009

MARC JACOBS IS PRO GAY I GUESS















these are some new t's that just came out at the marc by marc stores in support of gay marriage. personally, i think this whole idea is a little bit of a stretch. i mean gays getting married? let's be real.

I'M IN TO FADED BLACK LATELY






















plus i also like entirely monochromatic outfits. plus i couldn't stand that sick picture of john gosselin being first.

7.24.2009

THIS IS A PICTURE OF JOHN GOSSELIN'S ASS



















could this broken family get any style-sadder?

7.23.2009

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL


PLEASE, if you are familiar with The Sartorialist, click to make this bigger!

This really got me AL--"Actually Laughing," coined by Baby and Daddy when they were too cool for LOL... in the AIM days. Uglyswede and MoldieMolly really had some sexy conversations.

APPRECIATE THE CACTUS















these prickly succulents aren't just for your southwest-themed family room anymore! they are a SEXY (and dare i say carefree) addition to all spaces and all places. it's like the plant version of a cat. and a dog is like some dumb leafy flowery thing that needs a lot of water and attention. so stick with cats. and cacti.

UNSAVORY BITCHES


You know what really grinds my gears? UNSAVORY BITCHES at the airport. Yes, I had a less than perfect air travel experience that was shared with other unfortunate travelers. Such is life. Like, channel your happy place and go with the flow, because they're not going to let you get in the pilot's seat and fly the plane yourself, no matter how "important" it is that you get somewhere on time. You're just a cog in a machine of millions of travelers, and you're hurtling through air in a giant tube. Chill out.

But I don't feel bad for you, bitchy blond haired woman who has a MEETING IN NEW YORK THAT SHE CANNOT MISS, when your major complaint is that you're NOT EVEN IN YOUR MEETING CLOTHES YET!! Because lady, there's a simple solution to your "problem," and it's called going to the bathroom and changing into them.

7.22.2009

I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO


I did it! Topknots! Easy hairstyle of the sick rainy humid summertime!

HOW ARE SWEDES SO PERFECT





















it's not that groundbreaking of an outfit but SOMEHOW IT'S FLAWLESS AS USUAL.
fuuuuuuuuck you.

also WHERE'S the taco meat. i mean c'mon.

CRYING WOLF





















so meegs keeps crying wolf with me to get attention. a few months ago i get a text--"call me it's an emergency." i rushed out of whatever situation i was in, called her right away only to hear on the other end--"haha i just wanted you to talk to me while i smoke a cig."

yesterday she tells me her dog was eaten by a coyote (which isn't that weird because her other two dogs were actually brutally murdered by them a few years ago). so i'm feeling sad, i'm telling people "guess what? meegs had dog #3 eaten by a coyote" only to find out THIS today:

me: can u answer my kalls later
i want to hear about it
Meegan: im over u
Sent at 12:25 PM on Wednesday
me: omg
your dog died
i was the love of his life
i want to talk about it
Meegan: IM KIDDING
it was only to get u to call me
me: ew he didnt die?
Meegan: nope
me: ewww
Meegan: still alive ;)
me: i've been telling people
molly, my mom
Meegan: now leave me alone
HAHAHA
me: chris
Meegan: i forgot i told u
until just now
ive been busy

NEXT TIME I WON'T BE SO SYMPATHETIC.

7.21.2009

DO'S

There were a SHOCKING number of attractive people at Pitchfork. I've never seen so many attractive people in the Midwest all gathered together. I guess we all put down our garden hoes and turned off our tractors for the weekend. The fields will still be there to till on Monday, right?

Baby and Daddy have always appreciate classic costumes like Sheet Ghost or Witch Hat. So I really dug these dudes who were dressed as classic Old West Cowboys and Indians.

I felt like Daddy would be jealous of this guy's awesome hair. He had a whole "slackers in Clueless" vibe going and I was FEELING IT.

When Daddy and Baby lived in Bucktown approx. 1,000 years ago, we were both totally in love with this long haired guy who worked at Urban Outfitters. AND THEN BABY SAW HIM IN THE CROWD! She ran off to snap because he did it again-- totally sexy outfit! This, take note, is the ONLY acceptable way for a man to wear a tank top. It's gray, not skintight, NOT those weird giant ripped armholes. Plus he has long hair. I mean, the man can do no wrong.

DON'TS

Hello, various Don'ts of Pitchfork Music Festival. You didn't know I was taking pics of you, but I was! So sue me.

But Don't.


Okay so this fella. I wavered initially because I LIKE jorts. But here's what kills it for me: even BEYOND the promotional nylon drawstring backpack, it's those fricking flip flops! Dude, be respectable and at least come up with some kind of sneaker or something. Or go whole hog and have like full-on man sandals. But highlighter green thick strap flip flops? This I cannot forgive.

Number 2. I feel bad for this purple shirt guy because he has an unfortunate body type (yes, I'm referring to the man-handles). But even so, that "trendy" cap makes me want to crush the Parms that he probably has in that messenger bag. All the bright colors? We get it, you're gay!

Hi, I'm making an annoying and desperate cry for attention. No, I'm not a member of an emergency response team. I'm like one of those people who has a mowhawk so that people will be forced to look at me. Well Baby isn't fooled. She sees right through you!

SEXY BACK YARD
















i actually don't understand why this isn't my yard. like, i have enough land, i have 9 of the original butterfly chair frames with spotless white covers, and i just bought a new fire pit. i really just don't get it.

CHECK ME OUT


Sorry, baby's been busy being the center of attention at parties, galas, fancy gatherings and awards ceremonies. She's also been the star of music festivals and backyard barbeques. Baby is very versatile!

7.20.2009

SO COOL

LOVE THE SHIRT KENDRA
















great taste kendra! christian message t's are all the rage! baby and daddy love misspelling words too!

KFLAY/CARNIVOROUS BUNNY



my roomie was asked to rap along with this song about a man-eating rabbit.

7.17.2009

JUST TELL US WE'RE SEXY #2

SPEAKING OF JAKE...





















what's funny is that baby was just talking to me about "shopping at jake" today in chicago. little does she know what filthy, lying cheaters they are. check out this ny times article. WHO KNEW?

I KNOW YOU WOULD POST THIS IF YOU COULD, BABY































UPDATE: our old apt. in BEAUTIFUL DECAY.
molly is in chicago and snooped around ol' yeller here and sent me pics via blackberry.
obviously they have not been taking care of it as well as WE did.
seriously? shitty outdoor furniture? what is it from walgreens?
oh and cool towels draped over the railing.
wow, you're really cool randy.
NOT.

APPARENTLY I'M A "BAD BOY"





















so on the today show this morning there was a segment on the "top 10 'bad boy' baby names"...

"New parents may balk at naming their newborn boys such tried-and-true but yawn-inducing names as Michael or David — but a new study shows that if they play it safe, they may be doing their babies a favor.

Writing in Social Science Quarterly, Shippensburg University professor David Kalist says giving newborn males oddball, girly or strange first names may just help land them in jail.

In alphabetical order, the Top 10 “bad boy” names, according to Kalist, are Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter."

i mean i do have anger problems. and a short, sometimes violent temper, but i find it funny that i'm thrown into the same category as people named "garland" and "ivan." my name is one of THE FOUR GOSPELS. DOES ANYONE ELSE READ THE BIBLE AROUND HERE? i should be considered the same as MATTHEW, MARK, AND JOHN. OKAY?!

7.15.2009

CLASS-AY





















sorry i've been posting a lot of pictures with like one sentence beneath. it's because i'm lazy okay? and there's no excuse for laziness, at least that's what marta says. did you hear that baby? marta doesn't like LAZY BLOGGERS.

ps i want the things above. minus the too-small feet. do they not look like they should be bigger to anyone else?

jak&jil

HEADS
















how much cooler are these headz then what you typically see in your cabin or the local corner bar? light bulbs? abstract paintings? LED signs? COUNT ME IN!

7.14.2009

DEAR DENIM JACKET





















i search for you in thrift stores, i buy you on ebay. you're never right. you're either too baggy in the arms, or too boxy in the bodice, or an inappropriate wash.

or i receive you in the mail and it turns out you're a woman's jacket. buttons on the wrong side. even though you were levi's and you looked like you would fit perfectly in the pictures!

i guess some things are too good to be true. maybe one day i will find one that fits, and i will look exactly that that man up there. EXACTLY THE SAME AS HIM.

7.13.2009

GAGA: ANOTHER PAIR OF GREAT "SUNGLASSES"





















BAHAHAHAHAHA. more like lady BEEKEEPER! wasn't that a good one!?

WANG'S MAKING MAN CLOTHES















i don't feel like explaining it. just read this if you even know or care or whatever. i love you.

COLOR!



































as a former bitch to the "color" grey i am now really into colorful things... and colorful clothes and colorful models splattered in colorful paint.

7.09.2009

THANKS CHRIS












...is what chris SAID I LOOKED LIKE a few nights ago. granted we were a little under the influence, but it is still the RANDOMEST combo of things you could EVER call someone. at least i don't have to worry about my halloween costume this year...

also the pictures are what came up after typing it into image search. look at them again before you go to bed tonight. they will give you sexy dreams. i promise.

7.08.2009

STOOP SITTING


Because the word "stoop" is really funny. But also because what is better in the summer than chilling on the stoop, watching the world go by? And if this is sounding too Sesame Street to you, then get a life, because being a kid was the best.

DREAM CELEB SPOTTING


No no, not Kelsey Grammer. Baby only happened to see DAVID HYDE PIERCE coming out of the subway in Union Square!

Let me just say that when you're lonely in a hotel room in a random mid-sized city because of work, a good syndicated rerun of Frasier can really make you feel at home again. Because seriously, it's really funny. And Niles Crane was the best part. And he was wearing a backpack, so that rocks.

Also it's made all the better because of this DAMN Frasier billboard that used to chase us around Chicago. When we lived there. One million years ago.

SEXY





















sexy germans at a levi's party in berlin.

7.07.2009

MMMMM...DREAM BOOB





















GAGA'S LATEST PHOTO SHOOT FOR V-MAGAZINE. I GUESS THEY'RE REAL...

SERIOUSLY?















BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOU'RE LIKE 16 YEARS OLD AND LIVE IN HONG KONG. CAN YOU HONESTLY BE THAT SAD ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON?! NO.

I WILL MISS YOU DUMB BITCH























you know what palin? i'm sad to see you go! i will miss your family! your creepily young/tan looking husband, the insanely large age gaps between your many children and their off-beat names all starting with the letter "T". i will also miss your references to joe six-packs and dogs with lipstick. it made me feel like you were one of us! just another dopey mom with frameless glasses, slightly brassy highlights, and a limited vocabulary.

7.06.2009

NO BITCHIN' IN THE KITSCHEN!
















isn't this a rockin' kitchen? why don't more people get the message that HOME DEPOT-ESQUE kitchens are BORING. granite SUCKS. oak cabinets are THE ANTI-CHRIST. stainless is EVIL. GIVE YOUR KITCHEN SOME FUCKING PERSONALITY ALREADY.

the selby

SEXY, STORE





















"Everyday Life Objects Shop was a pop up store that I stopped by in Milan during the big furniture fair. Apartamento Magazine and Reference Library put it together and it was open just for the week of the fair. The store had items that had been featured in Apartamento as well as a lot of amazing stuff that Andy from Reference Library had found."